I will always choose the path of relationality.
And I will always be wary of tools, systems & frameworks that take us out of direct relationship.
Relationship with myself, relationship with my body, relationship with other humans, relationship with more-than-human beings, relationship with my own mind, relationship with the mystery, relationship with inner knowing, relationship with I-don’t-know…
I remember when there was an uproar about the idea that google would atrophy our minds, now that we didn’t need to remember anything. Later, I read an article about how humans have always outsourced knowledge & memory – to other humans. I loved the article, but was disappointed that it stopped short of what I thought was the key point. Not that our minds might atrophy for lack of memorization, but that we had created a tool that made our need for each other a little less pivotal.
Now, if I want to remember the lyrics of a song, I no longer need to ask a friend – I can just ask the internet. I think this is a loss – not of brainpower, per se, but of relationality.
Related – rather than becoming more & more intimate with actually perceiving our own bodies – which takes time & patience – we are outsourcing to a ring to tell us: How did I sleep? Have I taken enough steps? Is my nervous system ‘regulated’?
I have had friends who do wear oura rings tell me ‘I woke up feeling like I slept great, but my ring tells me I was tossing & turning all night.’ And then they actually feel worse than they did when they woke up feeling rested!
Years ago – before the ring – when everyone was wearing that patch on the back of their upper arm, I overheard someone sharing how they had actually known for months that their blood sugar was spiking after eating store-bought sushi trays – but the patch gave them the validation they needed to change their behavior.
I totally get wanting validation for our lived experience & I’m not faulting anyone for what they need – and it reminded me of the time I saw a study out of some prestigious university that had confirmed that people are happier around trees – and I thought: ‘for this we needed a study?!?!?!?’.
We all do have the capacity to perceive – at a body level – our heart, our breath, our digestion, our hormones, whether our body needs more movement or stillness, etc. Other people can feel into us as well. I think outsourcing to an assumed infallible machine is a loss – not because we should know everything all the time, but of relationality with our own bodily experience(s).
I have also seen some women read a book about the menstrual cycle & map it on to their experience as though it’s The Truth, rather than take the time to follow their own cycle, track their own moods & sleep & cravings. Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE that menstruation & female systems & hormones are being talked about more widely & openly! I LOVE that women who have had their bodily experiences dismissed are now being validated!
I don’t love every woman assuming that she knows what she needs at every phase of her cycle because she read a book that said ‘eat this much protein on day whatever & cancel all your work calls when you’re bleeding’.
I also believe part of truly being human is allowing ourselves to be in the unknown.
As Rilke wrote: “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
This is why I will never fall into the righteous ‘just trust your body’ or ‘you always know what’s best for you’ camps.
Because the truth is: Sometimes we don’t know.
Sometimes that’s scary & uncomfortable.
Sometimes we have to wait days or weeks or years for an answer.
Sometimes that is exactly what we need.
And sometimes we need help.
But I will always reach for the help that takes me deeper into relationship before a solution that is attempting to be more self-sufficient.
