Elders are not vending machines of wisdom.
Not a ‘put in your token & receive your prize’ kind of a deal.
When we expect our elders to ‘perform’ wisdom we miss the subtlety of what is being offered.
When we expect our elders to be deep & profound in every moment we miss the depth they often offer in the mundane, in-between moments.
When we show up expecting something we miss what is there.
Most of us lack the patience it takes to be in real relationship with elders.
Elders who move slowly.
Elders who need help.
Elders who are cranky.
Elders who don’t remember things.
As the idea of ‘elders’ has caught the current wave of attention, more people go seeking for elders to give them wisdom. But they show up with a ‘gimmie’ mentality.
An ‘I paid my money, so I’m owed some wisdom’ mentality.
An ‘I showed up, so where’s my wisdom’ mentality.
A mentality ready to dismiss said elder if they don’t perform.
Being eldered is not a one-sided relationship.
Eldering is not something the older person does to -or gives to- us.
But, rather, a co-created dynamic – in which we must also make an elder of the human in front of us.
One we show up for again & again, over time.
One in which we arrive as ready to give as to receive.
This kind of a relationship requires offering trust and time and humility; requires being as ready for wisdom to drop as to be met with humor, or someone who doesn’t have time for us right then – even if they said they would yesterday.
The header photo was taken just a few minutes after I arrived on the Headwaters land & Tim handed me a hurt chipmunk he’d been napping with. He didn’t say hello or how are you – just handed me a chipmunk, saying, “Here. He got hurt in the garden & I’ve been napping with him to see if I can heal him. You hold him for a bit.”
I’d never touched a chipmunk, let alone held one. But when your teacher hands you a chipmunk, you take it!
I call Tim my teacher.
And people often ask what I mean by that; what kind of a teacher is he (to me)?
I don’t know how to answer that question.
Some people you meet & you just know you need to spend time in their energy field.
I met Tim 20 years ago & I’ve been returning ever since.
Yes, I’ve received many pieces of advice & wisdom. Yes, he is a wealth of knowledge. But, moreso, there is something in his being that keeps me returning.
A couple of weeks ago I went to visit Tim, thinking we would chat for a few minutes in the morning. A few minutes turned into several hours, a green drink, a mini-argument with his wife, talk about the state of the world & the United States, a walk on the land, remembering past Headwaters dogs, and sitting with him while he reprimanded a staffer for putting a dead squirrel in the freezer without properly labeling it.
I set aside my ideas about the way I thought my day was going to go, because time opened up.
Because I’ve been damn lucky to get 20 years of knowing Tim.
Because I hope I get 20 more, but I don’t know.
Stories about what it’s looked like to attend to my mother as she ages, as her cognition declines, as her body loses function, and as she needs more from me are for another note. But being able to love her & receive her wisdom through the muddle of a complex relationship, and mixed with her quirks & personality is a process I am still in.
Ten years ago during a retreat I was leading, a woman in her 20’s asked me how to not become irrelevant – and the response that sprung out of my mouth before I even knew what I was saying was, “Don’t relate to older women as irrelevant.” I thank whatever came through me that day, because those words have stayed with me & been a powerful practice over these years…
PS – I resisted writing this for a long time. There’s so much to say. So many teachers to honor. So many stories to tell. So many nuances to hold. And finally I let go to saying something, even if it’s not everything.
