Don’t let anyone tell you what the right form of relating or relationship is for you.
How you want to relate, and the form you want your relationships to take is between you & the people you are in relationship with.
Some will tell you polyamory is The Only Way, and try to convince you that anything else is ‘selfish’ or ‘closed’ or ‘limiting’ or ‘based in fear’.
Others will tell you that any form of non-monogamy is ‘sinful’ or ‘lacks depth’ or is ‘coming from FOMO’.
One teacher might swear by living in separate houses, or spending weeks apart, so as not ‘diminish the polarity’.
Another will tell you that you must sleep in the same bed together for the rest of your life, or to never go to bed with a disagreement unresolved.
There are those who swear by creating the ‘deepest polarity’ through only ever inhabiting one pole or the other.
Others will swear by non-violent communication, or by having no secrets ever.
Some say marriage is essential; others say marriage is the death of a relationship.
Children will bring you together; children will kill the spark.
Masculine/Feminine polarity is THE way!
Masculine/Feminine polarity is total bullshit!
Twin Flame is the only Real Relationship!
Every single one of these perspectives holds a grain of truth.
Every single one of these forms is ONE way you could choose to create your relationships.
Every single one of these perspectives is limited & partial.
NONE of these forms is The Right Way for Everyone.
YOU – along with the people you want to be in relationship with – get to choose. End of story.
How do you like it?
What feels good?
What frees & enlivens all parties involved?
What allows for breath & joy & fun & relaxation, and the kind of sex you want?
What actually creates more love?
Those are the places to start.
Be honest about what you want. Listen to what the other(s) want. Get curious. Be honest with yourself about what actually works for you. Be willing to let relationships be what they are meant to be, without forcing them into stereotypical boxes OR non-conformist boxes.
Maybe your deepest truth is heterosexual marriage for life, with 2.5 kids, a dog & a white picket fence in the suburbs. ROCK ON!
Maybe your deepest truth is a co-mingled pod of 20, half of whom are non-binary & some of whom are asexual, in a shared apartment complex in the middle of a large urban city. GET IT!
Maybe you need to be in contact with your person several times per day.
Maybe you need days of no contact.
Maybe you need lots of sex.
Maybe you thrive on non-sexual physical touch.
Maybe you love being together without touching or talking.
Maybe you’re somewhere in the middle of all of these options.
Relating is not a pre-set menu for you to choose the sort-of/kind-of best option you think is being offered.
Relating is a fully stocked gourmet kitchen, with an herb garden, where you get to create what will truly nourish & delight you and those you want to be in relationship with.
The first step is to be honest about what you most deeply desire.
AND honest about your limitations.
Stop trying to pretend you’re cool with things you aren’t cool with.
Stop trying to not want what you actually want.
(and, for god’s sake stop wasting your time trying to figure out if it’s really a ‘need’ or ‘just’ a desire – more on that later)
And get down to the business of actually relating.
Which is vulnerable as f*ck!
(and 100% worth it)
(I teach directly on how to contact your own desires, as well as how to engage with your desires in relation to other people, in Relationship By Design Fundamentals)
