Most (if not all) people have some unconscious, energetic habit patterns or thought loops in relationships. A common sentiment many of the people I work with express is that they had no idea how much attention and energy that had tied up in looping thoughts about attraction, sex, and partnerships. It’s as if we each have tapes constantly running in the background of our minds that cause us to act in sometimes strange ways and we aren’t quite sure why.
Why it’s Important to Get Curious About Habit Patterns
So much of what we put into the world and receive from the world happens on an unconscious level. It has a lot to do with the energy that revolves around us as we move through life, and a lot of that is created by these unconscious habit patterns that, without getting too woo, seem to emit a certain vibration. What people see and experience of us, has a lot to do with the energy behind our behavior—we might be doing all the right things on a conscious level, but what’s being transmitted at an energetic level is something entirely different.
For instance, I can ask my partner where he went this morning -nothing wrong with the question!- and if I’m asking out of a feeling of jealousy & needing him to put my mind at ease, he will feel that, and respond not just to the content of the question, but to the energetic of control beneath my words. It is far more vulnerable, and also more effective, to simply share that I’m afraid & ask for loving validation.
However, if I am not aware of my fear & jealousy, I am more likely to unconsciously pretend everything is OK, but be relating to him from that energetic.
Finding Our Conscious Habit Patterns
A lot of the teaching in the personal growth world is about becoming aware of our unconscious patterns and then changing them. If we realize we’re desperate for a relationship, we are often taught to let go of that need and become self sufficient. There’s value in doing mindset work, and recognising we are ok and happy being single, but this approach assumes the habit pattern is wrong, and offers a band aid that simply masks the need.
Becoming conscious of our habit patterns is its own journey and takes a genuine, loving, curiosity. The way I like to work with this, is to become deeply intimate with what the habit patterns are first, and then work on building our capacity to be with them. Denying the fact that they are part of us only seems to make them stronger. From my experience, the value and healing comes from being intimate with the reality that this is a part of us right now and that’s totally OK. We may want to shift it and transmute it, but the human we are right now has this habit way of thinking or feeling that has its own beauty, and it’s important to learn to fully be with that….first.
The Deep Unconscious Habit Patterns
Most of us like to believe that we know ourselves well. We’ve known ourselves our whole lives afterall! Or, that all it takes is cursory looking around inside to find any parts of ourselves that we haven’t been aware of (yet). However, it often takes a lot of space and time to allow our deeper habit patterns to bubble up. They are unconscious for a reason, and often resist being seen as a survival mechanism.
When we create space and are safely held, this allows us to actually see these things and notice all the energy we have tied up in them. Then we can get curious, get in a relationship with them, and start to work with them. When we begin to look and see, without trying to change or get rid of, we allow space to free energy and attention wrapped up in these habit patterns – and that alone is a fascinating and powerful exploration.
Why Is It Important to Free Relationship Habit Patterns?
Just growing our awareness begins to free the energy. The more we can bring loving curiosity, and notice the specifics of what these patterns are, and rather than move towards or away from them, to actually feel whatever is underneath them – that is how we free the energy. Once we do that, we can then reclaim it and redirect to places we want. We can check in with our own wisdom and make decisions about life based on choice rather than be determined by our habit pattens.
Unconscious habit patterns sap our life force, creativity, and joy. There’s so much energy tied up in them that once freed, gives us more vitality and enjoyment of life. Even if nothing changes on a conscious level, we’re happier, and more satisfied. Once we free the energy that’s caught in these habit patterns, and reclaim it from the loop, we get to ask ourselves, where do I want to put my energy? What do I want to create? Where do I want to go? We get to choose.
Want more? Watch the video below where I go into greater detail.